


The Price of Remembrance

by lecworthy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, jumps onto i love lucretia train, marry me madame director, no editing we die like men, takes place sometime before reunion tour, this is just a sad character study
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 17:46:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18503959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lecworthy/pseuds/lecworthy
Summary: She knew it to be impractical, and that it would defeat the purpose of her whole arrangement, but there were times where Lucretia wished that her memories had been erased along with the others’.





	The Price of Remembrance

**Author's Note:**

> *shows up to taz fandom two years late with starbucks* so, uh, madame director, am i right?
> 
> seriously, i know i am so late to the party, but i just finished balance last week and oh boy i am in LOVE and it has consumed my every thought since. i owe the mcelroys my life for this beautiful, beautiful story that will stick with me for ages.
> 
> this is a short character prose on my gal lucretia, i hope you enjoy! your comments are much appreciated <3

She knew it to be impractical, and that it would defeat the purpose of her whole arrangement, but there were times where Lucretia wished that her memories had been erased along with the others’.

She had known from the moment she’d made her decision that this would not be an easy task. She had known the pain she was subjected herself and her friends to. She had done it anyway for the sake of the world. And yet, there were times she wanted to let the world burn in order to alleviate this ache for things destroyed by her own hand.

She had actually been the most well-off in the first years. The pain was fresh, but so was her conviction. She had placed her friends in the best places for them, and they were living fulfilling lives none the wiser. The Bureau of Balance was founded and grew more and more, and her search for the Relics continued. This was Lucretia’s purpose, why she did what she did. She would succeed.

It took a few years for things to start falling apart. As she heard whispers of the disgraced TV chef on the run, as she anxiously sent agents to investigate the burning Raven’s Roost, as her vacations to the beach were alight with gossip of the two abandoned children and their mother. Every crack in her fabricated plan broke her conviction just a bit more. She had made the right decision, and she would make it again, but it was not only her paying the price.

And so, with her assurance waning, Lucretia often dreamt of what life she would make herself had she started fresh like the others. Perhaps it was a morbid thought, as the others didn’t have the choice to start fresh. Nevertheless, her last thoughts before slumber were often of a modest cottage in a small village with the possibility of forming new connections.

Her desire for such a life was never stronger than when she saw, really saw, Magnus, Merle, and Taako again for the first time. She had visited them from afar early-on, but now she was staring at them face-to-face, and they were speaking directly to her. It took everything in her not to run to them, to laugh and cry and beg for forgiveness. Instead of doing anything she wanted to, she held her staff with a deathly tight grip and simply looked at them. They all appeared so worn, more so than they ever had in the century of dying over and over again. But they had all had each other back then, and the comfort of a purpose. What did they have now?

What did she have now?

The arrival of the Tres Horny Boys was accompanied by more reminders of all Lucretia had lost. She would see them together, and sometimes, she would forget. Not forget the same way they had, never like that, but for a second it would seem like they were all back on the Starblaster planning how to fight the Hunger this time around. Century-old habits took awhile to break, after all. Sometimes, she would turn to Davenport and laugh at Magnus swiping cookies off of Merle’s plate, only for him to repeat his name to her with blank eyes. She would fondly smile at Taako when he said something reminiscent of an inside joke they used to share, only for him to stare at her like she’d grown a second head. She would wake in the morning prepared to chronicle Barry and Lup’s next proposal to capture the Light, only to spend a moment clutching her sheets and calming her breath.

This was her price to pay, her cross to bear. She knew that. That knowledge didn’t stop it from hurting less. She would selfishly wish for the day where she could return everything she had taken, only to berate herself. Once they knew, they would hurt even more. They would turn her away, and she would deserve it. But at least they would know. At least they would look at her with an intimate hatred, rather than this formal distance they had now. At least she could tell them that she loved them, and they would know she meant it, even if that love was no longer requited.

But that day was a long ways off. So for now, Lucretia watched her friends from a distance, and they watched her, and her knowledge was kept one-sided. And maybe, instead of a cottage, she sometimes dreamt of a world where she treasured her friends, and they treasured her in return.


End file.
